Just One Wish This Christmas
by Switchblades and Sunsets
Summary: Christmas to the Curtises will never again be the same.


**This fic was inspired by the song, My Grown Up Christmas List by Kelly Clarkson. The lyrics are truly amazing- And of course the song is too. :)**

**Please review! They are appreciated, more greatly than you could ever imagine.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders.**

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Christmas.

It used to be Ponyboy's favourite holiday, no competition. And now... now it was reduced to a day where all we did was sit around the quietly burning fireplace, trying to ignore the sounds of celebration that could be heard even here on the East side.

Trying to forget the fact that the holiday even existed. Wishing the day itself would just disappear off of the of the calendar altogether. _Our own family tradition in the making,_ I thought wryly.

Around this time of year, while even the poorest families would use their saved up pennies and dimes to manage decorations of some kind, our house stayed bare, without even the slightest hint of holiday cheer.

Christmas would never be just a holiday anymore. Not to us. Just the thought of the day brought to mind too many less-than-jolly words... _Shock. Confusion. Disbelief. Fear. Pain. Sorrow. Grief. _

My youngest brother could've come up with dozens more,- kid reads too much for his own good- but even my more limited vocabulary could easily sum up what Christmas meant to us.

_Death_.

Even the carollers seemed to know better than to visit our house. Not that they spent much time down on the East side in the first place; their parents would freak if they did, I was sure.

I sighed, pressing the heel of my hand to my forehead. The silence was killing me, even more so because of the fact that the house was usually so noisy it gave me a headache.

Soda and Pony sat close together on the couch, both hugging their knees and staring at the soap on TV without seeming to actually _see_ it. It was a rerun, and the show was lame and sappy in general, but every other channel was broadcasting Christmas stuff. I'd take over-the-top, cliché dialogues and melodramatic plot points above those sickeningly warm and fuzzy holiday movies any day.

Neither Pony nor Soda seemed to care that the TV was muted, and we couldn't hear anything that was going on. Not that anyone wanted to watch the show anyway. It was just something that gave the illusion of it being just another night. Not Christmas Eve. Or, more importantly, _not_ the eve of the car crash that took away our parents.

I stood up from the armchair and walked across the living room to turn on the radio, not thinking to do anything but alleviate the horrible silence. A loud carol started playing, and got through less than two lines before Sodapop came to life and dashed across the room to switch it off like his life depended on it.

_-knew the sun was hot that day, so he said goodbye saying don't you cry I'll be back again one-_

"Darry!" he hissed, glancing at Ponyboy at the same time, who had blanched in an instant. "What in _heaven's name_ do you think you're _doing_?"

"Oh, God," I said to the ceiling, wanting to slap myself for being so stupid. It was common knowledge that the radio always played the one song that made you feel the worst.

"It's okay," Pony said, so softly that I wasn't sure if I even heard him right. He then stood up and shuffled to his room, closing the door quietly behind him.

"Pony-"

"Let him go. He has his own ways of dealing with stuff. He'll be alright," I interrupted Soda. _I sure hope I'm right._

And so the silence continued. I knew that both of us were listening for any sounds coming from Pony's room. There was only the creak of a mattress, and then nothing.

"_Now_ what've I done?" I said under my breath, leaning back in the chair with a sigh.

It was like I made nothing but mistakes these days. Did nothing but wrong.

XXXXX

I let myself fall face first on the bed, burying my face in a pillow.

"I'll close my eyes right now, and when I open them again this day will be over," I muttered into the pillow.

_Yeah, right._

Suppressing a groan, I sat up, and looked out the dirty window. The few street lights that weren't broken yet revealed streaks of falling snow. The flakes were still dissolving when they hit the ground, though... it would be a while before they started to pile up.

_Mom used to love the snow. And Dad would always talk about how blizzards always came at the most inconvenient times, and that was why we could never assume anything when it came to the weather. That is was perfectly possible that the sun would be shining one moment, and hail would be coming down the next..._

"Stop thinking about it!" I said sharply to myself, but of course I didn't, because I never take my own advice.

I mean, I know scientists keep saying that the heart's only used to pump blood; that the brain is where love comes from... But then, why does your chest always physically ache in times like these?

I rubbed my temples, still stubbornly trying to clear my mind. I was, quite obviously, not gonna get a lot of sleep tonight.

_Maybe a book'll help,_ I thought tiredly. Picking up the closest one without even bothering to read the title, I flipped to a random page and began to read.

At first, not enough words registered in my mind to even form a sentence, much less a paragraph. And when they did start making sense, and I realized what I was reading, I threw the book across the room.

The Fates seemed to be intentionally torturing me today. Out of all the novels in the room I could've picked up, I just _had_ to pick _that_ one, didn't I?

By then, I was close to screaming. _Why is everyone around me dying?_

A piece of slightly yellow paper poked out of the book squished against the wall. I didn't have to pick it up to know what it was.

And that worn note was the last straw. I choked out a sob, and collapsed back into the bed.

All I wanted this Christmas was a warm hug from my mom and a slap on the back from my dad. All I wanted was one more thoughtful conversation with Johnny; one more rumble with Dallas.

Was that too much to ask?

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